I almost wrote the Unabomber once. I wanted to learn from him, not how to make bombs, blow stuff up and not get caught for years, but how he managed to live out there in that little cabin of his in the middle of nowhere, Montana, and not starve to death. If you work in retail pharmacy and tell me you have never fantasized about putting as much distance as possible between you and every other human on the planet, I know you're lying. Consider that I never particularly cared for humans in the first place, and you can see why if you take out the violence, Ted Kaczynski was living the life of my dreams.
Unfortunately I have to eat, and the skills I have that would enable me to live off the land are very close to zero, which led me to ponder picking the brain of the Unabomber. I figured he probably didn't have much to do these days, but in the end, I decided it's probably a good idea to try to avoid things that get you on lists compiled by federal law enforcement. So the idea went dormant, along with my plans for becoming a chess grandmaster, learning the bass guitar, and writing a Broadway musical based on the life of Iggy Pop. Until today that is, when I saw a herd of cows.
"God damn cows" I said to myself as I drove past, consumed with jealousy as I went past them on the way to work. Even knowing I would be slaughtered in the end, I would totally trade their life of leisurely standing around a field all day for mine of listening to the great unwashed masses sing the praises of stool softeners. Then I realized. The cows were standing around all day.....eating grass. Not only eating grass mind you, but meeting all their energy and nutritional needs while doing so. Grass is everywhere. If I could unlock the cow's secret. I could live anywhere. I could live.....in a cabin....in the middle of nowhere.
To those of you who say cows don't have much in the way of energy needs, I would submit the buffalo, also an eater of plants, or the antelope. Of course I would have to keep the historical human ability to keep predators at bay, which is the weak point of most herbivores, but we put a man on the moon for Chrissakes, are you telling me we can't figure out how to digest a friggin plant? If the chlorophyll turned me green, I'd still be OK with that.
This day I have seen the future, or at least the key to my future liberation, and it is grass. At least until they start charging for air.
4 comments:
That's very profound. I wish I'd thought of it.
I want to do that every day. Maybe not the cows, but go far far away from the idiots (ahem, customers) I deal with all the freaking time.
"If you work in retail pharmacy and tell me you have never fantasized about putting as much distance as possible between you and every other human on the planet, I know you're lying. Consider that I never particularly cared for humans in the first place, and you can see why if you take out the violence, Ted Kaczynski was living the life of my dreams."
I can totally relate to this statement! This thought crosses my mind at least once every day while I am at work. I often wonder how I ever arrived at this point. I never really liked people either. I am sure that in the beginning I thought I would be able to help people by choosing a career in pharmacy. But now only 8 years into it, I find myself wondering why!!!!! And looking back on the pharmacy school curriculum, I think that a class in drama/acting or something like that should have been required because that is how I spend most of my day. Pretending to care when people tell me all those damn stories!
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
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