A Reminder Of My Distant Past Foreshadows My Near Future.

The man in overalls and the greasy baseball cap came up and started with "I'm here from out of town....." It's never good when a customer starts with those words. He talked in an accent I hadn't heard in awhile. An accent I have worked many hours to scrub from my own vocal cords. I looked at him and saw my past. "Durndest thang.....I had muh pill bottles set out all on the kitchen table and just left 'em thar" I looked at him and saw everything I ran from.

His daughter came up and there was a conference between me, her, and the old man's central profile. He wasn't involved so much. We eventually figured he needed his sugar pills as well as the ones for his tingly feet. A little boy came up and said "Pa! they got a chair outside with a roof over it!" I think the boy was talking about some sort of plastic made-in-China lawn furniture with a gazebo on display out front. I looked at the boy and saw me. I remember the first time I saw a shopping mall. It amazed me. I remember the first time I saw a big city skyscraper. It amazed me. I can very much remember a time when I would have been amazed to see a chair with a roof over it. Now I work with some of the wealthiest people in the world in one of the most beautiful places on the planet, and these people aren't amazed with anything. It's been a long time since I've been amazed with anything myself. I ran away from a place full of good people to a place full of the brain-numbness that only affluence can bestow.

I'll be leaving this weekend to go back home for a week. When I landed in California, I made it a point to say that the Golden State was my home now. It's not. I'm flying to Columbus, renting a car, driving it deep into the heart of Appalachia, and then giving my Mom a big hug.

I'm glad the old man came in the store.

The Real Reason I Am In Favor Of A Single Payer Health Care System. It means Big Profits For Big Pharma, That's Why.

Don't take my word for it. Take the word of Big Pharma. From yesterday's New York Times:

Amgen claimed a profit margin of almost 100 percent on its foreign sales, but only 15 percent on its American sales.

That's right, not only does every other industrialized country manage to cover all their citizens, spend less on health care, and have better health outcomes than we do (USA!.... USA!.... USA!), but according to the drug companies themselves, there's a shitload more money to be made for them overseas than in the USA, where drug prices are an arm and a leg higher. Those Amgen figures are echoed by Eli Lilly, Pfizer, and Merck. I guess we should consider ourselves lucky the pharmaceutical industry wants to do business here at all, since they make so little money in the United States. Evidently Big Pharma just really cares about the health of the American people, since they are willing to stay in such low-margin environment.

Either that or those figues are nothing but a bullshit tax dodge. According to the Times article, the companies that happily accept billions of tax dollars from your government, the companies that used their political muscle to have it written into law that your government is prohibited from even asking for a price break to cover Medicare Part D recipients, have now learned to shift their profitable assets overseas to avoid paying into the pot they suck so much out of. Using the figures from the Times, Pfizer alone would have avoided $10.8 billion in taxes. Getting Pfizer to pay it's fair share would be like getting a coupon for 1 free month of war in Iraq.

At least it's supposed to be your government. The word "corporation" does not appear in the Constitution, the first three words of which are "We The People." If you're a person, do something today to hold your government to those words.

Two Random Bizarre Bits Of Right Wing Insanity

From the website of In These Times, a magazine you should subscribe to right now:

As the GOP presidential hopefuls convened in New Hampshire for their third debate, Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo set a high bar for subtlety. According to The Swamp, a blog operated by the Chicago Tribune, Tancredo dropped in at the same diner where adversary John McCain happened to be having lunch. Seeing an opportunity to highlight his opposition to the McCain-sponsored immigration bill now in Congress, Tancredo ordered a treat to be sent over to McCain's table: some nachos.

Wow. So if I've offended anyone with my little blog garden, I totally think a good way to get even with me would be to send me some food.

I'm more than a little opinionated you know. Surely there is someone out there who's pissed off. Nachos will do. They totally would put me in my place. As long you don't skimp on the sour cream and make sure there's plenty of hamburger on top. My ideology is left wing, but I'm not a vegetarian.

Christ I'm hungry now.

The sober, clear eyed, right wing take on the immigration issue gets better though. Back to In These Times:

For those of you who think anti-immigrant hysteria is the special preserve of cranky white men, consider the California-based Vietnamese for Fair Immigration. The group has done all sorts of public outreach, sponsored candidates and even put up a billboard in Berkeley that blared "No racist amnesty"

It turns out, however, that the group's spokesman and cofounder, who identifies himself as Tim Binh, is in fact a cranky white man named Tim Brummer. Confronted by the Oakland Tribune, Brummer argued that, though white, he eats lots of Vietnamese food and is half-Vietnamese "in my mind." Anyway, he explained, the whole name thing was his wife's idea.

After you send me those nachos I plan on becoming the official spokesperson for La Raza.

I'm still hungry. I can't wait for you. I'm going to Taco Bell.

Mary Sammons, Pharmacy MILF.

I have never thought it fair that women receive the vast majority of sexual harassment opportunities. For years I have seethed with jealousy as the attractive women around me get chance after chance to to enter the world of higher pay, cushy assignments, and all expense paid travel and meals while I am stuck working for a living. I have prayed and hoped and dreamed of the day the executive glass ceiling would be shattered so that I too could have my share of uncomfortable swats on the ass and porn "accidentally" left on the office computer. It's my human right to be harassed.

Well things may be looking up in my industry. Meet Mary Sammons, CEO of #3 Drug retailer Rite Aid:



Mary may not be getting invitations to the Playboy Mansion, but when compared to the type of person we usually find at the helm of Fortune 500 corporations, I think you'll agree she's smokin.' Here's a picture of Lee Raymond, the former CEO of Exxon:

Lee was recently given a retirement package worth $400 million. Perhaps because everyone else at the company couldn't stand to look at him anymore.

In Mary's case though, the Drugmonkey could easily find himself caught in the web of power, money and luxury that someone in her position could weave. And she is a titan of the industry that employs me. I could see it now..............

(fade into dream sequence here.)

The Drugmonkey is in the middle of just another average day in his new job, simultaneously on hold with a doctors office, another drugstore and the help desk of Blue Cross of Lower Damnation. The line at the counter is 5 deep, and the fax machine is working non stop. In walks an elegant older woman in a business suit right past the chaos....she stands uncomfortably close to the Drugmonkey.

"Hello Drugmonkey. I just wanted to stop by to tell you how glad we are to have you on board, and to tell you about our...... bonus....... program" She touches the Drugmonkey a tad inappropriately. "You like bonuses don't you Drugmonkey? Do you have a minute?"

Drugmonkey: "Um, actually, I don't, take a look out there at your store."

"I see, well, I'll make a few phone calls while you make me some money."

Lunatic Customer: HOW MUCH LONGER?????????

Sammons, speaking with an air of authority into her PDA/Cellphone/MP3 player/Space Shuttle: "Johnson? Sammons. Giving a green light to the pharmacy staff cuts you outlined in your memo. A 10% increase in prescriptions filled per person will be our goal."

Customer Number 2: ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT SOME PILLS IN A BOTTLE!!!!!

Sammons: "AT&T? I need to order 5 more phone lines to be put in each of my stores"

Sammons then slowly saunters back to the Drugmonkey and whispers in his ear........"I can see you're busy....when you're free, I'm in room 869 of the Ritz-Carlton.....remember....with me.... it's personal."

Customer Number 3: WHERE IS THE MOTOR OIL? HHHEEELLLOOOOOO....CAN I GET SOME SERVICE?

Drugmonkey: "Ms. Sammons, don't think I'm not picking up on the signals you're sending, but can't you see that your policies are precisely the reason we will never make sweet love? I don't have time to urinate when I'm working for you, and holding it in for 12 hours can't be good for penile health. And by the time I'm free Ms. Sammons, the only use I will have for a bed will be for sleeping...."

Sammons looks at the Drugmonkey with a mixture of sadness and confusion.

"Mary, if you ever want some Drugmonkey lovin' you're gonna have to make some changes. I'll never be able to do nooners unless I get a lunch break."

Mary's eyes lock onto the Drugmonkey's for what seems like an eternity. Her cellphone rings and it goes unanswered. Softly, she says:

"I'll do it. Mary Sammons always gets what she wants, and I want you Drugmonkey."

My friends, the power of my raw animalistic sexual attractiveness may be just the thing that saves what is left of our profession. I owe it to you to apply for a position at Rite Aid soon. Wish me luck.

In A Welcome Development For Not Only The Country, But The Entire World, George Bush Agrees To A Psychiatric Examination.

From The LA Times:

WASHINGTON -- President Bush will undergo a colonoscopy Saturday, and Vice President Dick Cheney will be acting president during the roughly 2 ½ hours Bush is under the effects of anesthesia, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said today.

If ever there was a reason to down the scotch......try not to think of the words "Acting President Cheney".....

A Small Window Into The Subconscious Mind Of The Drugmonkey

In my dream I had been sent back with several of my friends from college to complete some remedial academic work. The work was very easy, which left us plenty of time to party even though I kept forgetting my homework and having to re-do it at the last minute. It was kinda like spring quarter of my 5th year in college, yet very different at the same time.

My friends and I decided to go to a bar where the house band featured my friend Mary from high school. I always had a crush on Mary, but figured she was out my league since she was a cheerleader and all. As I watched Mary's band play I became captivated by the bass guitarist. An inexplicable feeling came over me as she laid down some of the most solid bass lines I had ever heard while playing an instrument shaped like some sort of gourd. When the band was done playing Mary came over to talk with me and my friends. I asked about the bass player. Mary laughed and warned me to stay away from her. I couldn't understand why and turned to look at one of my college friends, who laughed as well. "She'll just break your heart" he said. "Don't do it"

I don't understand why it was so important for me to stay away from the bass player, but all in all, it wasn't a bad way to spend the night. I wonder if the band might not be there again this night after I fall asleep.......

I swear I have never smoked weed.

Sometimes The Customer Is Not The Idiot.

I have long said that in every pharmacy there is one person that holds the whole place together. I have also always said that that person is never a pharmacist. Those of you in the profession know exactly what I mean when I speak of the "keystone tech." They're the ones you scan the schedule for every week hoping to see them working the same shifts as you. They're the ones who can put fear into your very soul with the mere mention that they might use a sick day, although they never seem to. The ones that know that Blue Cross of Buttfuckistan is actually billed to Buttfuck Prescription Advantage, and that you have to use "ERW&^!!!+WAGSUX #@!" for the group number, but only on Tuesdays. Every pharmacy has a keystone tech, and they are worth their weight in gold.

Unfortunately the keystone tech always seems to be balanced out by the "other" tech. Perhaps it's pharmacy yin and yang. Or maybe it's some sort of corporate tax thing, but those of you in the profession know exactly what I mean by the "other tech" as well.

Customer: Can I use your phone?

"Other" tech: What's your last name?

The type of tech who when checking in your warehouse order will take your antibiotic ear solution and make a space for it next to the over the counter earwax removal products. The fact that space had to be made in no way deterring her in her steadfast belief that nothing used in the ear could possibly require a prescription.

Someone shoplifted one of the antibiotic solutions before I realized what she had done. She's worked here almost a year now.

It's funny stuff until I lose my license. Then I will have to kill her, which is a shame because she's really a nice person.

I hope the shoplifter at least had an ear infection.

Tonight, Perhaps, For A Few Minutes At Least, I Shall Allow Myself To See The Glass As Half Full.

From The July 13th Washington Post:

The popularity of the morning-after pill Plan B has surged in the year since the federal government approved the sale of the controversial emergency contraceptive without a prescription.

Plan B sales have doubled since the Food and Drug Administration authorized the switch for women 18 and older last August, rising from about $40 million a year to what will probably be close to $80 million for 2007, according to Barr Pharmaceuticals, which makes Plan B.

"This is exactly what we hoped would happen," said Susan F. Wood of the George Washington University School of Public Health. As assistant commissioner for women's health and director of the Office of Women's Health at the FDA, Wood pushed for the switch.

On such an occasion, when we have reached this benchmark in our professional history, I can really think of only one appropriate thing to say.....

IN YOUR FACE LLOYD DUPLANTIS OF GRAY, LOUISIANA!!!!!

Some of you regular readers already know this, but Lloyd is responsible for the blog you see here today. It was a little over 2 years ago I got the professional shock of my life driving home listening to National Public Radio. That night Lloyd saw fit to tell the world that Oral Contraceptives were "the most dangerous chemical on the market" and that he didn't sell them "in the name of science." (Lloyd comes on around the 12 minute mark if you click on the link) I'll leave it up to you to theorize what Lloyd's (or someone behind Lloyd's) motives were by starting a push for publicity 40 years after what he thought was the most dangerous chemical on the market went on sale. Whatever they were I knew they weren't good. That night my little blog garden took a sharp political turn, and my hit count soon soared. Whatever you think of the Drugmonkey, he wouldn't exist without Lloyd Duplantis of Gray Louisiana.

I've actually had a lot of fun with the blog since then. Perhaps I should thank Lloyd. As should the women of America. Back to the Post:

Advocates attribute the increased use ... both to the easier access and greater awareness of the drug's availability (emphasis mine)

Awareness that was given a big boost every time a lunatic like Lloyd Duplantis of Gray, Louisiana would do something like get on National Public Radio and let people know they could trust those like him with their health care.

So congratulations Lloyd, you really did make a difference. I wonder if for your next campaign you could become an advocate for the insurance industry.

"A single-payer health system is the most dangerous idea on the market" has a nice ring to it, and I bet NPR would be happy to have you back.

Stupid Redneck.

You've Been Good About Indulging My Michael Moore Infatuation. I'll Reward You With The Tale Of How I Claimed The Bounty Placed On A Customer's Head.

The upside down Bactroban cap was the last straw. "THIS TUBE IS DEFECTIVE!" screamed the lunatic. "I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!"

The Pharmacy Manager calmly showed the lunatic that the defect was that he was trying to put the cap on, yes, upside down. The lunatic wouldn't budge. He wasn't leaving until he got a new tube. I knew caving in when he demanded a refund for a three-quarters empty bottle of Tobradex because "he wasn't satisfied with the product" would only lead to trouble. The Pharmacy Manager wouldn't listen to me then. Now I was the only one who could bail her out. As the lunatic walked out the door with his new tube of Bactroban, she said "I will buy a 12 pack of beer for anyone who can run that man off"

Everyone in the pharmacy knew who "anyone" was, and I understood the parameters of the mission, should i choose to accept it. It was to be a clandestine operation. Should any part of it become public, those who sent me in would deny all knowledge of it or me. This tape will self-destruct in 15 seconds.

I also knew what I was up against. I had waited on the lunatic for many months and had never once acted like I had appreciated his business in any way, yet he kept coming back. That kind of thing happens when you keep giving them free prescriptions. This would not be easy. But there was free beer. I set my terms.

"You're not talking Milwaukee's Best are you?"

"Anything in the store."

"I'm in"

I started with the "out of stock" trick. Totally untraceable. How many pharmacies have ever really run out of Vicodin? None that want to stay in business, but that's exactly what happened the next two times the lunatic came to the counter.

This was coupled with the "exaggerated order time" maneuver. It takes a week to order Vicodin. When you're a fucking lunatic that is.

Closely related to this is "exaggerated fill time" When there's a beer bounty on your head, it takes an hour to fill your prescription. Then when you come back in an hour it's not quite done.

At this point, regular customers of Walgreen's are saying to themselves, "You mean there are places where this type of thing would be considered unusual?"

Even with all this, I still needed a bit of luck. The lunatic called at 5 minutes to closing last night and wanted me to stay late. That doesn't happen even when I like you unless you're hot. This morning Target called to transfer "all his prescriptions." I emptied out his profile, sent it over to the bullseye, and now am happily drinking an imported Pale Ale.

Of course I suppose I could have bought my own beer 6 months ago when all this started, but beer tastes better when you earn it.

Mission Accomplished.

I Do Drug Topics A Favor, Because Reading Their Magazine Is Starting To Hurt My Eyes.

This is an entire article from the Latebreakers section of the profession's leading trade magazine. I have changed not a word:

Can metered-dose inhalers containing flunisolide, triamcinolone, metaproterenol, pirbuterol, albuterol and ipratropium in combination, cromolyn, and nedocromil be phased out because they harbor ozone-depleting substances? If there are alternate products that provide the same benefits as these drugs, they are nonessential and can be removed from the market by, say, Dec. 31, 2009, after a transition period. So proposed the FDA in the June 11 Federal Register. The agency said it would hold a public meeting to discuss this matter. For now, please send your comments to the FDA by Aug. 10.

I think an illiterate idiot to English translation would go something like this:

The FDA proposed in the June 11th Federal Register that metered dose inhalers containing flunisolide, triamcinolone, metaproterenol, pirbuterol, albuterol and ipratropium in combination, cromolyn, and nedocromil that use ozone depleting substances (ODS) be phased out by Dec. 31, 2009. The agency says these inhalers are now nonessential because there are alternate products that provide the same health benefits without using ODS. FDA will hold a public meeting to discuss the matter at a future date and will be taking comments until Aug. 10th. at http://www.fda.gov/ohrms/dockets/default.htm Enter docket number 2006N-0454.

That took me less than 5 minutes, including looking up where to actually leave a comment. Which means at my current rate of pay Drug Topics, you could have had something both readable and useful in your magazine for less than $5.

Why am I so hard on Drug Topics? Because they suck. And I am bitter about the fact I have yet to get paid to write, which makes me mean. And because Trader Joe's quit carrying my favorite brand of scotch, which makes me meaner.

I'm very mean when don't get my scotch.

All Those Years Chasing Boobs May Have Been For Nothing. I May Actually Be A Closeted Homosexual.

Liberals. Fighting. Not Taking Shit. My love affair with Michael Moore continues:

An Open Letter to CNN from Michael Moore

7/14/07

Dear CNN,

Well, the week is over -- and still no apology, no retraction, no correction of your glaring mistakes.

I bet you thought my dust-up with Wolf Blitzer was just a cool ratings coup, that you really wouldn't have to correct the false statements you made about "Sicko." I bet you thought I was just going to go quietly away.

Think again. I'm about to become your worst nightmare. 'Cause I ain't ever going away. Not until you set the record straight, and apologize to your viewers. "The Most Trusted Name in News?" I think it's safe to say you can retire that slogan.

You have an occasional segment called "Keeping Them Honest." But who keeps you honest? After what the public saw with your report on "Sicko," and how many inaccuracies that report contained, how can anyone believe anything you say on your network? In the old days, before the Internet, you could get away with it. Your victims had no way to set the record straight, to show the viewers how you had misrepresented the truth. But now, we can post the truth -- and back it up with evidence and facts -- on the web, for all to see. And boy, judging from the mail both you and I have been receiving, the evidence I have posted on my site about your "Sicko" piece has led millions now to question your honesty.

I won't waste your time rehashing your errors. You know what they are. What I want to do is help you come clean. Admit you were wrong. What is the shame in that? We all make mistakes. I know it's hard to admit it when you've screwed up, but it's also liberating and cathartic. It not only makes you a better person, it helps prevent you from screwing up again. Imagine how many people will be drawn to a network that says, "We made a mistake. We're human. We're sorry. We will make mistakes in the future -- but we will always correct them so that you know you can trust us." Now, how hard would that really be?

As you know, I hold no personal animosity against you or any of your staff. You and your parent company have been very good to me over the years. You distributed my first film, "Roger & Me" and you published "Dude, Where's My Country?" Larry King has had me on twice in the last two weeks. I couldn't ask for better treatment.

That's why I was so stunned when you let a doctor who knows a lot about brain surgery -- but apparently very little about public policy -- do a "fact check" story, not on the medical issues in "Sicko," but rather on the economic and political information in the film. Is this why there has been a delay in your apology, because you are trying to get a DOCTOR to say he was wrong? (Drugmonkey here: BWWWWWAAAHHHAAAHHAAAHHAAAA!!!!!) Please tell him not to worry, no one is filing a malpractice claim against him. Dr. Gupta does excellent and compassionate stories on CNN about people's health and how we can take better care of ourselves. But when it came time to discuss universal health care, he rushed together a bunch of sloppy -- and old -- research. When his producer called us about his report the day before it aired, we sent to her, in an email, all the evidence so that he wouldn't make any mistakes on air. He chose to ignore ALL the evidence, and ran with all his falsehoods -- even though he had been given the facts a full day before! How could that happen? And now, for 5 days, I have posted on my website, for all to see, every mistake and error he made.

You, on the other hand, in the face of this overwhelming evidence and a huge public backlash, have chosen to remain silent, probably praying and hoping this will all go away.

Well it isn't. We are now going to start looking into the veracity of other reports you have aired on other topics. Nothing you say now can be believed. In 2002, the New York Times busted you for bringing celebrities on your shows and not telling your viewers they were paid spokespeople for the pharmaceutical companies. You promised never to do it again. But there you were, in 2005, talking to Joe Theismann, on air, as he pushed some drug company-sponsored website on prostate health. You said nothing about about his affiliation with GlaxoSmithKline.

Clearly, no one is keeping you honest, so I guess I'm going to have to do that job, too. $1.5 billion is spent each year by the drug companies on ads on CNN and the other four networks. I'm sure that has nothing to do with any of this. After all, if someone gave me $1.5 billion, I have to admit, I might say a kind word or two about them. Who wouldn't?!

I expect CNN to put this matter to rest. Say you're sorry and correct your story -- like any good journalist would.

Then we can get back to more important things. Like a REAL discussion about our broken health care system. Everything else is a distraction from what really matters.

Yours,
Michael Moore
mmflint@aol.com
www.michaelmoore.com

P.S. If you also want to apologize for not doing your job at the start of the Iraq War, I'm sure most Americans would be very happy to accept your apology. (Drugmonkey here: Any apology would not be accepted by me.) You and the other networks were willing partners with Bush, flying flags all over the TV screens and never asking the hard questions that you should have asked. You might have prevented a war. You might have saved the lives of those 3,610 soldiers who are no longer with us. Instead, you blew air kisses at a commander in chief who clearly was making it all up. Millions of us knew that -- why didn't you? I think you did. And, in my opinion, that makes you responsible for this war. Instead of doing the job the founding fathers wanted you to do -- keeping those in power honest (that's why they made it the FIRST amendment) -- you and much of the media went on the attack against the few public figures like myself who dared to question the nightmare we were about to enter. You've never thanked me or the Dixie Chicks or Al Gore for doing your job for you. That's OK. Just tell the truth from this point on.

This Is What Happens When You Fight For What You Believe In

Here's part II of Michael Moore's interview with Wolf Blitzer. (Don't watch it until you've seen part I, posted below) Notice the difference. This is the kind of interview that should have happened in the first place...... but never would have if Mike had not raised his voice, had not been impolite, had allowed himself to be steamrolled the way far too may of us have allowed ourselves to be steamrolled:



A lesson for us all. When the Cro-Magnon Conservative bullies come after you, which they will, stand your ground and punch them in the nose.

I'm a liberal. Got a problem with that bitch?

Michael Moore Update: Forget What I Wrote Earlier. I Will Marry Him Right Now.

I wrote in my last post about Mike that I was tired of being the insurance industry's little bitch boy.

I'm also tired of liberals being spineless, afraid-to-be impolite-or-offend pansies, of the people on my side getting steamrolled by illiterate demagogues because we think to raise our voice is to cheapen the debate.

I'm tired of liberals being afraid to even call themselves liberals. I'm a liberal. You got a problem with that bitch?

I'm tired of the hatchet jobs that are passed off as news by today's newstainment media. Did you know that if you were actually in the crowd that witnessed the scream that ended Howard Dean's presidential campaign, chances are you didn't hear it? Of course you didn't. Because a soundman for the newstainment industry isolated the feed from Dean's microphone, amplified it, spliced it onto the nightly news feed that goes out to all the sheep, and all the sheep obediently forgot about everything Dean stood for and had a good laugh. Were you one of the sheep?

Ever since that moment I have had a longing to see the producers of one of those hatchet job news pieces get their ass handed to them on a platter.

Click below to see CNN get their ass handed to them on a platter.



Here are CNN's lies Mike promises to post in that video.

We've been quiet too long my friends.

Perhaps I Should Have Gone The Extra Year For My PharmD. Degree.

It wasn't the first question the customer had that stumped me. He said he was going to Yosemite and wanted to know what he should get in case he came across some poison oak. Wake me up out of the coma-like sleep you will likely find me in most days around noontime and I would be able to answer this one before fully waking; "Hydrocortisone cream and Claritin" So far so good.

It was the next question that stumped me. The customer now wanted to know about bears. Namely, what he could buy to prevent a bear attack. I seriously think he was convinced a bear might be waiting for him at the park's entrance station. I went over the options in my mind:


Tylenol- May be useful after an encounter with a bear. Like maybe if the bear knocked you down while he was running away from something else.

Benadryl- Not so much.

Milk of Magnesia- Not quick acting enough to distract a bear intent on mauling you for your picnic basket.

I briefly considered Neosporin, like maybe filling a bathtub full of it, before realizing that again, this would come into play post bear attack.

Even the new wonder drug Alli would be of little use. I don't think you'd need much help shitting your pants if you were face to face with a bear.

In the end I advised the customer, who I should add was doing his camping at the Yosemite Lodge, that the best course of action would be to take basic precautions to minimize the likelihood of a bear encounter, like not keeping any trash in your car, and sticking to places bears are likely to avoid, like the area around Yosemite Lodge, which when I was there had the feel of midtown Manhattan with a waterfall in the backyard.

The customer and I both ended the conversation with the feeling we had just talked to one of the stupidest people on earth. I really should have gone for the PharmD.

My Employer Hates America.

First it was insulting Jesus by having me work on his birthday.

Although really, being an atheist, that shouldn't have been a problem for me.

But then, they insulted our troops by forcing me to work on Memorial Day.

Actually, I don't have a problem with insulting the troops either.

But now......now......the corporate suits that write my paycheck have gone too far. They have insulted each and every one of us. You, your family, your pets, and most importantly, me, by having The Drugmonkey sling pills on the birthday of the country that belongs to us all, even Christians and troops. Obviously my employer longs to reverse history and would have us all living under the tyranny represented by the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Imagine.....imagine! Forcing me to engage in shameless commerce on the day set aside to honor this great nation.

Press Conference by the President
Indian Treaty Room

December 20, 2006

"......The unemployment rate has remained low, at 4.5 percent. A recent report on retail sales shows a strong beginning to the holiday shopping season across the country -- and I encourage you all to go shopping more."

Fuck. I suppose I shouldn't be making any plans for Labor Day either.

One More Reason Your Prescription Might Take So Damn Long To Fill.

One of the things that makes me special is my ability to do DUR. It's important stuff, this Drug Utilization Review, where I look over what you're getting, check it against your allergies, your other meds, your health conditions......actually it's where the computer looks all that stuff over and draws my attention to anything that might be a problem. Problems like this one, which was just added to our clinical database this month:

"Yaz oral tablets should be used with extreme caution in child bearing aged females."

This sounds like serious stuff. Indeed, it is serious enough that the pharmacist, and only the pharmacist, has to override this warning with a special code to allow the prescription to be dispensed. Some of you out there may take comfort in knowing that corpo pharmacy is looking out for you like this. Others of you know that Yaz is an oral contraceptive.

The computer is warning me to use extreme caution when filling a birth control prescription for a woman of child bearing age. And this warning must be overridden. Every.......single.......time. I would let you know what the computer thought about dispensing birth control to an 80 year old woman, except that, birth control tablets aren't as a rule given to women not of child bearing age you know. There are equally worthy computer generated warnings to override on the majority of prescriptions I fill.

A memo from corporate headquarters came today that said this month's customer service focus will be on having prescriptions ready when promised. I have made none of this up.

If Michael Moore Were 200 Pounds Lighter And I Were Gay, I Would Marry Him.

Two reasons for anyone in the profession to go see Moore's latest film, "Sicko."

1) Mike's visit to a British pharmacy, whereupon he asks the pharmacist where the laundry detergent is. "I've studied far too long to worry about your laundry" answers the man who is treated as a health care professional in his country. I wanted to stand up and let out a "HELL YEAH!"

2) The interview with the woman who worked the phones for a major health insurance company. Now I'm working from memory here, so cut me some slack, but at one point she breaks down crying and says something to the effect of "that's the reason I was such a bitch on the phone, I didn't want to get to know these people, or their stories"

She didn't want to get to know them because it was her job to deny them coverage. To those of you in the profession, does that sound familiar? Does it? That woman hit home to me. There's a reason the Drugmonkey is such a bitch....I mean ass... at times, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of telling people their meds aren't covered. I went to school because I thought it would be neat to learn things like Altace blocks the production of angiotensin converting enzyme, while Benicar blocks the receptors the enzyme binds to in your body. In the world of for profit medicine however, all I need to know is that Altace is covered and Benicar is not.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the bitch....I mean asshole.... whose primary function is to act as a Sherpa guide to a paid insurance claim. That's not why I went to school. I didn't go to tell you where the fucking laundry detergent is either.

So anyway, go see the film. If for no other reason than to spend a couple hours in a world where you can actually practice your profession. I think you'll like the British doctor who gets paid according to *gasp* how well he practices medicine. Not to mention the cruise into Guantanamo Bay.

And if the movie leaves you wanting more, make an effort to find the presidential mosh pit from Mike's TV show "The Awful Truth" a few years back. The presidential mosh pit may very well be the most classic moment ever on American television.

So I Needed Some Earplugs Because It Was So Hot.

This may be less than obvious to those of you who don't live in my condo complex. You see, hot weather means sleeping with the windows open in my part of the country. Actual hot weather occurs so rarely here no one bothers with air conditioning. Hot weather also must bring out the amorous desires in my downstairs neighbors, who were fucking like animals on this warm summer night. Also with the windows open.

I admit it was cool at first. My neighbors wife is not an unattractive lady. After awhile though, her journeys to orgasm just served to remind me I wasn't getting any tonight while that fat slob of a husband of hers was. So I did what any reasonable person would do. I went to the Pharmacy America Trusts at 2 in the morning seeking something to stick in my ears to block out the sounds of copulation. I gotta give the fat slob credit. He can keep it going a long time.

It took me awhile to realize the store was eerily quiet. It was the middle of the night, and some eeriness is to be expected. The lack of human presence in this outpost of America's largest corpo-pharmacy chain continued as I approached the checkout counter however. Then I remembered the typical labor budget for these type of establishments. They may very well have scheduled no actual employees for a few hours in order to cut payroll costs. If this sounds odd to you, then obviously you do not have a business education. Cutting labor cost is the single most important function of any manager. Far more so than doing anything to increase sales. I remembered this and did the big "W" a favor by stuffing the earplugs in my pocket and walking out the door. The total labor cost to them of my visit was $0. I imagined the store manager doing a little happy dance upon hearing this news.

On the way out the door a homeless dude asked me for any spare change. I let him know no one was minding the store and there were things in there way better than spare change. I saw him go inside as I got in my car. I hope he didn't cost the store any labor dollars either.

Highlights From Today's Pill Counting Action.

Prescription filling is serious business, and I appreciate customers who can understand this. You can imagine how my heart leapt for joy then when my day started with a customer waving his prescription paper at me from afar. Like way afar. Like other side of the store afar. This man obviously wanted to let me know his prescription was not to be taken lightly as he continued to signal me with his prescription all the way up to the counter. He had a smile on his face that indicated he was proud of himself for making it to the drop off window. Perhaps I should have been signaling him back, guiding him in. I fear I may have missed an opportunity for customer service.

The next customer took her purchases very seriously as well. Unfortunately they were toothpicks. It was very, very important that I write the manufacturer of the house brand of toothpicks to inform them they did not glide between the teeth as well as the brand the woman was used to. I looked at her like she was hablaing Espanol. Even though she wasn't hablaing Espanol, there was much I didn't understand.

Things started to look up when I realized the mirror on the reading glasses display had been tilted perfectly to an angle where I could see the cleavage of every woman trying on a pair. Of glasses that is. I soon realized however, I would be watching the cleavage of women who were old enough to be buying reading glasses. Oh well. I've always been more of a hair freak anyway. Chicks don't seem to mind as much when you stare at their hair. You can easily pretend to be looking them in the eyes.

I was told over and over again by a very upset customer with little else on her mind that my corpro-pharma employer was making a grave mistake by not offering a new mother discount on prescriptions. I called the competitor who offered this discount to find my regular price was two dollars less than their marked down one. The new mother had awful looking hair.

Last question of the day: "I just ordered this prescription from Caremark. Will it still come?"

I'm feeling pretty good about that college education tonight. Release the scotch.

Drug Topics: The Mockable Magazine Gift That Keeps On Giving.

An actual picture from an actual cover of the most widely circulated trade mag in the industry:


Pharmacy God: You came in just in time ma'am. I can see you are not well. I will help you. Yes. I will help you!

Customer:¿no es usted lejos de su jaula hombre asustadizo?
(aren't you a long way from your cage scary man?)

Pharmacy God: My God, it's worse that I feared. You obviously have a fever that is causing you to speak incoherently. You must take these cold pills for temporary symptom relief now! You must!

Customer:¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño? Vine solamente utilizar el cuarto de baño.
(Where is the bathroom? I only came to use the bathroom.)

Pharmacy God: Oh cruel fate! Damn you! You have given me unlimited knowledge of the world of mucus-thinning products, but have conspired to keep me from sharing this vital information with those who need it most!

Customer: pronto haré pis en su piso
(I will soon pee on your floor)

Pharmacy God: So....you can't understand me? Not a word? Then I must tell you something, although you will never know. I must tell you.

The customer stares at Pharmacy God with a look of increasing urgency in her eyes.

Pharmacy God: Your breasts. I will always admire your breasts. Now I fear we must part ways forever.

The customer then creates a puddle of urine on the store floor. The Pharmacy God is flattered. The urine remains on the floor for an hour until the store's intern returns from lunch. The intern was bilingual.

I however, am not. Any errors in translation should be blamed on babelfish